Parenting is like walking on eggshells, you lose
balance, you’re in one big mess! The breakdown of the family system, to a
nuclear family has resulted in parents taking on all the roles that different
members of the family would’ve played. Today’s parent is solely responsible for
the child’s upbringing and with this responsibility comes the need to control
all aspects of the child’s life. This is done in order to avoid any untoward
incident. We have evolved into controlling parents and our DNA now screams
danger at every turn.
This is impacting the way our future generation is
learning and living. Parents are being more and more unwilling to let children
experience problem solving and making their own decisions. This is also known
as helicopter parenting and is fostering dependence on one or both parents.
Research shows that it has a deep impact on the child’s psychological
wellbeing.
Here are seven things parents can do to bring up
emotionally healthy and self-sufficient children:
- Struggle is Good: Underline this. Blow it up and hang it somewhere prominent. When children grow up with out knowing struggle, they never learn how to deal in a tight situation. Resist the urge to swoop in and help a child in need. Look for signs of distress. Respond only when children ask for help. Even then, start by giving verbal cues (not the whole answer). Allow children to develop perseverance.
- Every moment is not a teachable moment: Parents try to educate (and overeducate) children. It’s true that we have to build learning into the everyday life of the child. That does not mean that every moment is teaching worthy. Children are naturally curious, allow them to ask and then wonder with them. This is much better than being condescending and teaching all the time.
- Teachers and schools know what they are doing: Back off. Most teachers and most schools mean well most of the time. Controlling parents often spill over their control onto the teachers, trying to dictate how the child should be taught. It’s good to find a school / teacher who believes in your philosophy of education. From there on, there is no need to report every scratch on the child’s body and start a full blown enquiry. If you had one of those wounds as a child, most likely, your child will have one too.
- You are only a charioteer: Parents can guide their children and equip them with all there is to know. But the final battle has to be fought by the child. Children need to learn to pick their battles. Out in the playground, children fight, make up and move on. Parents however, hold grudges for life. The child who hurt your child is not necessarily Mogambo’s reincarnation and you do not need to pick a fight. You can model good behaviour and expect children to learn from how you resolve a fight and walk away when needed.
- Choices are great: Controlling parents usually do not permit choices to the child. Giving a choice to your child is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child’s brain. When faced with a choice, children have to solve a problem of what to choose. They have to weigh the pros and cons and make a decision. If they’ve decided, they tend to stick to it more often. This whole process develops the thinking brain. Work the choices into everyday activities of the child, like choice of clothes, time of homework, after-school activities, etc.
- Do not expect greatness: Control is often wielded in expectation of greatness. Parents want to control the path the child takes as they already have the future mapped out. When we stop expecting, we allow the child to create newer paths. We need not expect greatness, in order to teach hard work and dedication. Once this expectation is dropped, failures do not seem so bad anymore. The lessons one can learn from failing can be an immense treasure as your child grows up.
- Life is not a race: Competition breeds control. When parents compare children to others, they are preparing them for a race. When we stop competing, we allow children to learn and grow at their own pace. Relax your grip and maybe they will run faster than ever!
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